Funny

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.”

So he sat down and wrote:

“Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

“Dear Son,

I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,

Mom

How to shower

 

 

How To Shower Like A Woman

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Take off clothing and place it in sectional laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see your
boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you’re getting fat.

Get in shower. Look for face-cloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash you hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on for 15 minutes.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red and raw.

Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off of hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).

Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you loose the water pressure.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces inn the shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of the shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country.

Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.

Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

Return to bedroom wearing bathrobe and towel on head.

If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to the bedroom to spend an hour-and-a-half getting dressed.

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How To Shower Like A Man

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Take off clothes while sitting in the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along
the way, flash her making the ”woo, woo” sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to your pecs.

Admire the size of your weiner in the mirror, stratch your balls.

Get in shower. Don’t bother looking for a washcloth. You don’t use one.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

Wash your privates and surrounding area.

Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.

Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner.

Make a shampoo Mohawk.

Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

Pee (in the shower).

Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor bacause you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.

Partially dry off.

Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles.

Admire wiener size.

Leave shower curtain open and wet mat on the floor.

Leave bathroom light and fan on.

Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your balls, shout ”Oh yeah, baby!” and thrust your pelvis at her.

Throw wet towel on the bed.

Take two minutes to get dressed.

Fossils in our midst

Sometimes I think that Ontario is one big fossil bed – perhaps a bit of an exaggeration as I did not find any in the Elgin disconformity or either of the nearby Walmarts.

So maybe a 50% average for finding fossils, which is not bad compared to the prevalence of fossils in the rest of Canada or when compared to the 40% find average for the geocaching trip I made this morning.

The first cache was darn near across the back yard – go to to the end of the driveway, turn left, a quick left turn onto the next street and then about 100 meters up the road. It’s early in the morning and I must have been quite the sight as I happily marched up the street with my GPS in hand. Despite the rain it was fun.

The second cache attempt saw me crashing through trees and soaking wet tall grass. Grrr – no luck but I found number three and was also rewarded by the view of this beautiful Sabrejet.

A couple hours later and I’m soaked and starting to get cold. The last two caches have eluded me, but I did find a wonderful fossil bed on an abandoned railway bed.

One of the cool things about geocachng is that you are allowed to take one of the stored objects from the cache, with the understanding that you will make an entry in a little log book and leave something behind.

This is what I leave behind – a little Dora the Explorer. Cute huh?

I need them

Okay – someone buy me both of these. Really. Off you go!

Your room’s desktop can get a little brighter with these USB glitter lamps. Just plug it into your PC or laptop’s USB port and you’re set with a beautiful sparkle and twinkle in your choice of either blue or pink. No need to worry about the lamp working on your computer because they’re compatible with Windows XP, Windows Vista and Mac computers.

 

Here’s a tasty solution to storing files. This yummy sushi flash drive features 1GB of memory, high reading and writing speeds, is Mac and PC compatible, and comes in either salmon or tuna. It may not store much, but it sure makes you crave sushi and a side of wasabi and soy sauce.

Mr Toad

While I was being devoured by the frikkin skeeters, Nats skipped about trying to catch one of the amphibious ambushers of the forest – yes, the deadly North American Toad.

One of us thinks this is a female.

Bosh. It’s the famous Mr Toad from The Wind in the Willows.

I have to remember to get some alcohol wipes to carry in the van – icky toad juice is surely full of nasty things that can cause the plague or flatulence.

1st geocache

After the trip to the bug zone (the damn boulder) we checked out a local geocache. My handy GPS showed the way until we were literally on top of the cache.

This geocache was in a waterproof container that was covered in camo tape so it would blend into the tree.

Evil Carly navigates the deadly tree branches.

The treasure

The little R2D2 that was our reward. We left a wet nap and a nail file.

damn boulder

Niagra has the falls, Toronto the CN Tower and Frankford has the Bleasdall, which is the largest glacial erratic in North America.

Let me tell you, this little section of hell also has the highest concentration of blood sucking bugs known to mankind. It also had a rather unhappy me.